Riding in style!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012 is a day that will live on forever in our hearts. Not only was it my first half day back to work after maternity leave, but it's the day the original Rav4 turned it's wheels for us one final time.  I got a call from Kevin at work. He was stuck on the side of Highway 217 - the Rav had broken down. We learned really quick what our insurance would cover as far as roadside assistance and towing (thankfully we have both!) and Kevin was taken care of in no time. A couple hours and bags of popcorn at the dealership later, they revealed that the timing belt had snapped and broken other necessary car parts in the process. It was an estimated $700-1000 minimum to fix it. Kevin left the Rav for a few days and we shared one car. Luckily, trusty Charlie-the-charcoal-Jetta stepped up to the plate.

A couple days later, Kevin sold his broken down car to his friend who owns a body shop. They plan to fix up the car and get it running again. We were thankful to walk away with a couple hundred bucks in our hands, knowing that the '97 Rav had lived a good life. It took us on our first date and our first road trip to Las Vegas. It drove us all over the campus we love so much and to my first drive-in movie. Lots of memories in that car. Oh, how Kevin loved that car!

So, with no other choice, we finally did it. We bit the bullet and bought a new car. Or, to be honest, we were incredibly blessed to be able to buy a brand-spanking-new-and-beautiful 2012 Toyota Rav4. It's just beautiful! And, of course safe for our little Claire Bear. Did I mention beautiful!?! And that new car smell - be still my heart! :)

Our first car dealership process took 3.5 hours but went relatively smooth. We were very fortunate to have my parents present to make sure we (and our baby credit as they called it) weren't taken advantage of. After signing all the documents, we left without one iota of buyers remorse. Now, one week later, we still couldn't be happier with the choice we made. And here she is, in all her beautiful glory:

I'm thinking her name may be White Lightning. 

I suppose we'll see what the hubs has to say about that :)

Humbled.

Recently, God has been revealing His blessings to me and I feel overwhelmed by all I have been taking for granted. A good friend of mine has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. In the last couple months she has undergone two major surgeries and multiple chemo treatments. She has been forced to quit working and focusing on getting herself well. She has struggled more than I have ever been forced to and you know what...she never complains. She is the happiest person I know. She almost always has a smile on her face. She is a beautiful person inside and out. I have learned so much from her during this battle for her life. God has really laid her and her children's needs on my heart and it has been a powerful experience. It's funny how your life and your actions can be thrown into perspective when you focus on helping others instead of yourself. Because of her, I realize just how much I have to be thankful for. To be honest, I am quite embarrassed by my behavior. I am blessed and instead of sharing those blessings with a positive attitude, I have only focused on the little things that I don't have. How selfish.

So what if I have to work a couple days a week!
I know people that would die to have a job and benefits like I do. 
So what if I have to leave my daughter!
Sure, I miss her but she's with Grandma/her daddy and I know plenty of people that would love to not have to pay childcare. 
So what if I have to cook dinner!
At least I have the food in my fridge to do so and I don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from. 
So what if we don't own a house!
We rent a beautiful home that is plenty big and we don't have to worry about how to pay for it. 
So what if I have to spend a day cleaning!
At least I have the energy to do so! 
So what if I have to pay for medical bills!
At least our family is healthy and we have insurance.

That's just it. So what. I feel humbled by my actions lately. It seems I grumble and complain about the smallest things when, in reality, I have SO much to be thankful for. From this point forward, I am going to try to live my life recognizing all the blessings I have been given and focus on sharing those blessings with those who need it. I don't want to live in a me-me-me mentality anymore. I can feel God working in my heart and I know this is going to be one wild ride.

I got this.

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head 
of how it's supposed to be.

For me, what I pictured for my life and the actual cards I was dealt look very different. There is no white picket fence, no perfect family walking down the street wearing our perfect clothes and perfect smiles holding our perfect baby that never cries (although we did get pretty close in that area, thank you Claire!). There is not always a hot meal on the table that has been slaved over all day. Dishes don't clean themselves. Floors don"t get vacuumed as often as I'd like and, Lord knows, the laundry just piles up. Real life is messy and unpredictable. 

Getting caught up in these things is my pitfall. I forget all too often what life is really about. It's about the adventure, living out the unknown. Jumping in feet first without a care. It's about being fearless. I really struggle with being okay not knowing what is waiting around the bend. It can be the simplest things like wanting to know what is going to happen in a movie before it happens to the unpredictable things like wondering if Claire will get into the college she wants or if we will ever have enough money to buy a house. There is just something about the unknown that makes me queasy and my knees a little wobbly. That is why I was so anxious about returning to work - I couldn't picture in my head what that was going to look like. Now, having made it through my first week I realize that we can handle it. I have nothing but support all around me. I got this. 

I have dealt with my anxiety in knowing that I am going to miss out on some of the firsts in Claire's life and I am okay with that. I put this all behind me when I came to the realization that time spent fretting over these things that we have no control over is time stolen away from what really matters - being with my daughter, my husband, my family and living in the present. I vow to stop crying over spilled milk...unless it's breastmilk cuz that stuff is liquid gold! But really, something just clicked in me - I need to teach Claire by example that women are strong and we can handle whatever is thrown our way. So that's exactly what I am gonna do. Amen.

My words

Usually, I make New Year's resolutions that are often long forgotten by the time February rolls around. This year, I made a promise to myself that it would be different. That this year, I would be different. As a "lister" I find it easier to remember things when lumped into the shortest words/phrases possible. So, I came up with a system that works well for me. I've been working on myself through a series of words. For 2012, these are my words:

settle  |  intentional  |  positive

If you remember, my resolution word for this year is settle and, while that is still a goal of mine (which you can read about here), I have tacked on a few additional words that remind me of the changes I want to make within myself to become a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend and person. 

This whole idea about being intentional stems from my need to do everything for a reason. One day I found myself just trudging through life, going through the motions and realized that nothing really mattered. There was no spark, no purpose for the choices I was making. I was stuck in a rut and all the days started to blend together. I was there but I wasn't really there. Now, when I focus on being intentional, I have a purpose for the choices I am making. Example on how I have been applying this word:  I've been intentional about to going to church. It's not me going through the motions - I look forward to going. I feel fulfilled, like the flame has been re-lit and I am energized to take on another week. In continuation of this need, I've been working through a daily devotional that allows me time to heal my heart, to learn the areas where I excel or need improvement and to move forward. In addition, I've been focusing on being more intentional in my relationships. I have noticed that when I am intentional to pursue Kevin in the same ways I did when we were dating or pre-baby, we both benefit. My marriage has seen major improvement because of it. I am learning time and time again that when I am intentional in my relationships, not only do those around me benefit but so do I.

My last word is positive. That is probably the most challenging for me. I am a realist. I see things how they are. I am the kind of girl that just expects people to disappoint me so that I don't have to be surprised when they do. I'd rather expect it and then be shocked if they don't. Obviously, that's no way to go through life expecting everyone around you to let you down. Instead of seeing the positive in people or new situations, I would just focus on the negatives, all the things that could go wrong and hope to get a positive experience in the end. I've quickly learned it doesn't quite work that way. Example on how I have been applying this word:  Trying (very hard) to see the positive about going back to work after maternity leave. Through the tears and heartache that has risen up this week in honor of my impending return to work on Thursday, I have been searching very hard for the light at the end of the tunnel. Where's that darn silver lining!? I know if I look hard enough, there are positive aspects that returning to work will bring forth. For example, the security in knowing we have health insurance for our daughter, knowing that I am so lucky to only have to return part-time, the ability to save a little extra money to take that 5-year anniversary trip to Maui in 2014 and the comfort in knowing we can pay our bills, keep a roof over our head and care for our daughter. I have to admit those are some pretty huge positives. I think the rest I'm just going to have to learn along the way.

Making the right choice (?)

As they say, everything good must come to an end eventually. This Thursday marks the end of my maternity leave and my return to work. So many have asked how I feel about this. My initial response is always "fine" and then I search my soul for the right words to paint a picture of exactly how I feel. Truth is, I feel...cheated? fortunate? jealous? lucky? sad? overwhelmed? angry? anxious? I guess I cannot wrap my mind or my heart around how I feel. Honestly, there's a mix of emotions when I think of leaving Claire and returning to work. My logical thinking and emotional thinking don't match. Normally, I act impulsively based on my emotions but with this situation I have been choosing to focus on the logical side. Perhaps it's my way of dealing with it (and it's been working for the most part). Truth is, not going back to work has never been an option. As much as we would both love for Claire to have a stay at home parent, either Kevin or myself, neither of us make enough money to cover all the bills. I was fortunate enough just to be able to afford a 3-month maternity leave instead of just 6 weeks. Of course, it was only possible because we planned ahead, we saved, we sacrificed and now our bank account is feeling the dent. From a logical standpoint, we need the money and I carry all the insurance benefits. *Honestly, I don't know how many families can live off one paycheck these days but that's a whole different can of worms. Claire having a stay-at-home parent would be an option...if we wanted to move back into a tiny apartment and struggle to make ends meet. Truth is, that is not something we are willing to do. We are comfortable where we are living and don't want to uproot Claire. We need our own space and a place for her to call home. If only we could have both.

In a perfect world, I would be able to raise my daughter and be a stay at home mother. In a perfect world, my husband wouldn't feel guilty about me having to return to work. In a perfect world, money wouldn't be such an issue and healthcare would not cost an arm and a leg. But, Lord knows, this world is far from perfect. And, I don't mean to sound like a whiner - trust me, I know how fortunate I am to be able to only return to work part time and to be leaving Claire with grandma instead of at daycare. I know a lot of women that are not as fortunate in that regard and I commend them. Leaving your child with anyone that is not you is very difficult. Sadly, it's a choice so many of us have to make. It comes down to needs versus wants. My heart wants to be with my daughter. I don't want to miss out on any of the firsts in her life. I want to be the one to care for her, to feed her, to kiss her boo-boo's and comfort her when she cries. But my mind knows that we need the money and the insurance. So, I am choosing to cherish my last couple days of time with my daughter. And I am choosing to sweep my emotions under the rug. Then, when Thursday rolls around, I will begrudgingly put my big girl panties on, wipe away the tears and return to work with my head held high knowing I am doing what I need to do for the sake of my family.

Where's the pause button?

My newest nephew was born a week ago today. When I introduced the adorable little guy to his cousin Claire, it was as if reality had slapped me in the face. Claire isn't a newborn anymore!?! Next to 5-day-old Ethan, she looked like a 3-month old. Where his thighs are skinny and his legs are pulled up in the signature newborn froggy-style, hers had filled in and she was kicking in every direction. Where his tiny ankles are wrapped with air, hers are wrapped with little chubby rolls. His little belly graced with an umbilical cord stump looked tiny compared to her Buddha belly. It just didn't make any sense. Granted, she was 11 weeks old. But to me, Claire is still the spitting image of that little baby I nervously strapped into the car on that first ride home December 17, 2011.

Before Ethan, I didn't view Claire as a 3-month-old. I still saw my helpless newborn baby. There was just no way she was already outgrowing her newborn clothes. No way! She was, after all, still my baby girl. So, in my own naive way, I have been dealing with emotions and savoring these last few weeks by stretching and squishing her into my favorite tiny outfits in the hopes of keeping her small just a little while longer. Those miniature outfits tell a story that I am not ready to give up. I chose them. I washed and folded them in preparation for the arrival of my daughter. I held them up to my swollen belly and imagined what it would be like to dress her, to hold her, to show her off. I fantasized about what she would look like in the clothing I had chosen specifically for her. The fabrics, the smells, the patterns hold special meaning to me. Now, as I wash, fold and pack away her newborn-size layettes, rompers, and onesies one-by-one my heart aches just a bit. It's like I'm packing away a part of my heart that is so uniquely her. I admit I've shed a few tears. Now, more than ever, I fully understand what it means to want to keep them little. Father of the Bride makes perfect sense to me. To my parents, I am still that little girl...not a 27 year old woman with a husband and a baby. To them, I'm that little 5 year old playing house. And to me, Claire is my little angel baby fresh out of the womb. Please tell me: how and when did she get so big?

The real challenge here won't be to praise her for all the accomplishments she's made thus far. She's growing steady, developing well and changing every day. I am so proud of her. No, the real challenge will be accepting the fact that I have to let go of her newborn stage in order to fully invest in where she is now. If only life worked like TiVo and I could push pause to keep her tiny, even if only for a day. Sometimes time passing can seem so bittersweet.

The perfect weekend!

I have so many things I should be doing right now (!) but as Claire catches up on her zzz's, I thought I would take a minute to blog about our road trip to Sacramento:

Simply put: we had the best time! It was a quick trip in honor of Grandma Janet meeting her first great-grandchild and to introduce Claire to the fabulous people I so lovingly refer to as the Kessler clan. Kevin and I felt nothing but welcomed and loved the entire time. I am so lucky that Kevin's family accepts me like a part of the family - they are so fun to be around! We were blessed by special treatment, like handing Claire off after her morning feeding to her Grandma K and Great-Grandma J while we rushed back to bed for a couple hours of blissful, uninterrupted sleep and pumping bottles so other family members could feed her while we ate a meal together (it's been a while!) and caught up on our Mario Bros. (Did I mention Kevin's grandma has the original Nintendo with the original Mario Bros and it still works!!)

I can't remember when Kevin and I laughed quite as much as we did this weekend. It was a big party in celebration of family. And party we did! Claire is still making up for the change in her schedule. That little girl was having so much fun, she just didn't want to go to sleep. We tried to sneak in a couple naps here and there but she wanted to soak up as much time with her family as possible. If she wasn't kicking around on her play mat, she was in someone's lap just being loved on. The smiles on her face were priceless! It really was one of those perfect weekends filled with great company, interesting conversations (to say the least!), food in abundance and the best part... an open schedule. People have asked what we did while we were there - to be honest, not much of anything. And I wouldn't have had it any other way. Besides Grandma K taking me out on a little shopping spree for Claire Bear, taking Claire on a couple walks to soak up some Vitamin D, and a big family dinner at Cattlemen's on our last night, we pretty much stayed home and visited. It was nice to relax and not worry about an agenda. Kevin and I definitely needed this trip and it came at the right time.

Claire experienced a couple firsts on this trip:
1) Her first road trip (she did great!)
2) Her first bath in a sink
3) Her first time in the sun
4) Her first time sleeping somewhere other than her bassinet
5) Her first time in the grass (she didn't like it on her feet)
6) Her first time at In-N-Out

Here she is enjoying her first sink bath at the hotel

It's ridiculous how much this girl loves tv :)

Just relaxing at Great-Grandma J's house

Being loved on by Great Auntie Trish

Our last dinner

Feed me, Uncle Keith!!

Enjoying her first In-N-Out experience :)

Now, as we transition back to the reality of Oregon weather in March, we will remember the couple days spent in the morning sun picking oranges from Grandma J's tree, making fresh orange juice, having Mario Bros wars, sitting on the back patio in the sun and visiting with those we love. Sacramento, thanks for being so good to us! We will be back soon.