Where's the pause button?

My newest nephew was born a week ago today. When I introduced the adorable little guy to his cousin Claire, it was as if reality had slapped me in the face. Claire isn't a newborn anymore!?! Next to 5-day-old Ethan, she looked like a 3-month old. Where his thighs are skinny and his legs are pulled up in the signature newborn froggy-style, hers had filled in and she was kicking in every direction. Where his tiny ankles are wrapped with air, hers are wrapped with little chubby rolls. His little belly graced with an umbilical cord stump looked tiny compared to her Buddha belly. It just didn't make any sense. Granted, she was 11 weeks old. But to me, Claire is still the spitting image of that little baby I nervously strapped into the car on that first ride home December 17, 2011.

Before Ethan, I didn't view Claire as a 3-month-old. I still saw my helpless newborn baby. There was just no way she was already outgrowing her newborn clothes. No way! She was, after all, still my baby girl. So, in my own naive way, I have been dealing with emotions and savoring these last few weeks by stretching and squishing her into my favorite tiny outfits in the hopes of keeping her small just a little while longer. Those miniature outfits tell a story that I am not ready to give up. I chose them. I washed and folded them in preparation for the arrival of my daughter. I held them up to my swollen belly and imagined what it would be like to dress her, to hold her, to show her off. I fantasized about what she would look like in the clothing I had chosen specifically for her. The fabrics, the smells, the patterns hold special meaning to me. Now, as I wash, fold and pack away her newborn-size layettes, rompers, and onesies one-by-one my heart aches just a bit. It's like I'm packing away a part of my heart that is so uniquely her. I admit I've shed a few tears. Now, more than ever, I fully understand what it means to want to keep them little. Father of the Bride makes perfect sense to me. To my parents, I am still that little girl...not a 27 year old woman with a husband and a baby. To them, I'm that little 5 year old playing house. And to me, Claire is my little angel baby fresh out of the womb. Please tell me: how and when did she get so big?

The real challenge here won't be to praise her for all the accomplishments she's made thus far. She's growing steady, developing well and changing every day. I am so proud of her. No, the real challenge will be accepting the fact that I have to let go of her newborn stage in order to fully invest in where she is now. If only life worked like TiVo and I could push pause to keep her tiny, even if only for a day. Sometimes time passing can seem so bittersweet.