Summary

Arrived home from our weekend getaway to Vegas. Had a great time swimming, visiting, drinking, relaxing, reading, seeing Beatles LOVE, losing money in slots, walking the strip, finding the crazies, getting sunburnt (or as Kevin so lovinngly calls it - a savage tan). As always, went by too fast. Reunited with The Monst. Jotted up a lease termination and 30 day notice letter. Signed, sealed and ready to be delivered in the am. Found a new place to move into. Move in date is planned for September 19. Mulling over moving/packing strategies in my head. Preparing to purge and live out of boxes temporarily. Going to sleep. Back to reality tomorrow.


Kevin, myself, Karen and Tim at Samba Brazilian Steakhouse in The Mirage hotel before seeing Beatles LOVE by Cirque du Soleil. Great night!

The search is on.

We are in search of a home. To be more honest, we are scratching and clawing to get out of our current dungeon apartment. We have a very strict budget on what we can afford to pay in rent plus a good list of requirements for our new home. It must allow pets under 30 lbs, must have a fenced backyard for Monster, must have a dishwasher and Washer/Dryer (or at least hookups) and must be two bedrooms. With a house, we still have to take into account how much all the extra utilities will cost, as nothing is generally covered with renting a home like they are with an apartment. Obviously, all of these requirements plus our conservative budget is making this process difficult.

We toured one home that was in a nice, secluded neighborhood nestled smack dab in the middle of a really bad area. It would have worked if I were a hooker on the side. I just don't really dream of going on a walk with my family after dinner and seeing streetwalkers on the road. Maybe I'm crazy? :) Plus, all the nearby bars would be gentleman's clubs. Not my idea of an ideal neighborhood.

Then, we visited what we thought was the perfect home in the perfect location near my work, but there was only one problem - you literally couldn't put more than one person in the kitchen. You couldn't even open the refrigerator door all the way - at about a 45 degree angle, the door would smash into the counter on the other side of the kitchen! I was still willing to work with it, but my chef husband didn't agree. So...we are now back at square one.

I wish our Home Sweet Home would just find us.

Accomplishments.

I've turned a new leaf.

I drink water.
I am being positive.
I am trying to be less in control.
I delegate.
I ask for help.
I go to bed earlier on work nights (yes, 10.45 is early)
I like sleeping in a cold room.


Biggest lesson learned:
I can't fix anything by stressing about it. So why stress?

It's a state of mind, they say...

IN THE WORDS OF MR. ABRAHAM LINCOLN, "MOST FOLKS ARE ABOUT AS HAPPY AS THEY MAKE UP THEIR MINDS TO BE.

Just because things haven't worked out exactly as we hoped they would, doesn't mean all is lost. We can still choose to be happy. Happiness is a choice, not a circumstance.

Today, I choose happiness.

sophia.

shows her emotions on her face.
rarely stops moving.
bites her nails.
can be sweet or ornery.
opens her eyes really wide when she's excited.
repeats what her mother says, thinking you didn't hear the first time.
loves any kind of toy cars or trucks.
can spot any airplane in the sky, big or small.
would choose to play outside any chance she gets.
goes crazy when she sees grocery carts in the shape of cars.
loves to have her fingernails and toenails painted.
prefers her sunglasses when she's in the car.
loves to sing along to mary rice hopkins.
would run around without pants whenever she can get away with it.
steals the show in a crowded room.
loves to show off whenever possible.
has everyone wrapped around her tiny finger.

"My girls"

Yesterday, I stopped by my sisters to drop off some blueberries that I had picked over the weekend. Sophia loves pretty much all fruit, so I knew she'd like the berries. When I told her what I had so threw her little fists up in the air and shouted "ooohhh, tank you Auntie Tatie!" and immediately requested a bowl of berries. Little things like that make my heart happy. My nieces are the biggest blessings in my life (aside from my husband) and their enthusiasm for life brings me so much joy. If I am this connected with my nieces, imagine how it will be with my own baby one day! Speaking of babies...Sophia told me to have a baby. It should be a boy. And I should name him Popsicle. Then, she changed the name to Juice :) I informed her we'd get right on that! Haha.

Baby Peyton was sleeping, but I woke her up (at the instruction of her mommy of course!) and, after like two little cries, she was just happy to be held and bounced on my knee. What a smiley girl! She's growing up so fast! I asked her how her day was going and if she loves me, and she just looks at me with those big baby blues and grins from ear to ear. It cracks me up to see her sit up by herself, because you can tell she is pretty proud of her accomplishment. She continues to change every day and you can just tell by watching her that she adores her big sister. Peyton, if she could walk/run/crawl, would try to do everything Sophia does. What a special bond that sisters have!

Sophia and I chatted about "life events" like swimming in mommy's little pool or grandma Teresa's big pool or my big pool at my apartment. We discussed the trip she was going to take to the zoo today and all the animals she was going to see. It's so adorable when I ask her a question and, if she doesn't know the answer, she looks at her home to hear the answer then echos it back to me with wide eyes, as if I am hearing it for the first time. Sometimes she gets really close to my face and opens her eyes really wide when she's very excited about what she is talking about. I just love that little face! She asks me about my friend Kristen's daughter Isabella (she calls her "Bella") and about Noah on a regular basis, sometimes even wondering why I didn't bring them along to visit her. It cracks me up because I've never once brought Isabella or Noah with me, but apparently to a 2 year old, that doesn't mean I can't :)

I said my goodbyes to Peyton and gave those chunky cheeks a kiss. Then, as I told Sophia I was leaving, she (being her dramatic little self) threw up her little hand in my face and turned her face away from mine saying "no!" Lindsi is trying to get her to use her words, so I asked if she was mad that I was paying attention to baby sister or if she was sad that I was leaving. She turned back toward me, curled down that pouty bottom lip and said "leaving"...my heart melted! What a precious angel. It's not that she doesn't like to tell me goodbye (trust me, this isn't the first time it's happened) - it's that she doesn't want me to leave. I made some promises about visiting again soon and about the possibility of having some play time together this weekend at Auntie Tatie's big apartment pool (weather permitting). She seemed okay with that and I was on my merry way!

My girls (as I lovingly call them) are so special to me and I love being an Auntie! I am certain there is no better feeling in the world. They definitely help to curb my baby fever, even if it's just for an hour or so!

i wasn't the same.

i moved away for an education.
i got a new perspective and i got a new voice.
they said i changed too much, i wasn't the same.

i moved away for a boy.
i got a taste of love and i got a better half.
they liked him better than me, i wasn't the same.

i moved away for a job.
i got a new pay scale and i got a 9-to-5.
they had promised me so much more, i wasn't the same.

i moved away for a marriage.
i got a new family and i got a new name.
they said i wasn't any fun, i wasn't the same.

i moved away for a home.
i got a set of loaned keys and i got a box of my things.
they said that's where i should be, i wasn't the same.

i don't feel like i have a home anymore. nothing in my life has been stable for quite a while now. kevin is the only constant that keeps me going. everybody says that our generation feels like they are entitled to everything - the jobs, the homes, the pay, the excess. it's not because we're greedy or feel entitled, it's because we've always been told that if we do everything right (good grades in high school, good SAT scores, good grades in college, graduate college, etc) that those things will happen. there were no maybes, no what-ifs. as simple as action and reaction. so, when that obviously didn't happen, i was completely blind-sided by the fact that what i'd been told my whole life was a lie. i was baffled. and, let's face it, i was angry. i really struggle to deal with change in any capacity because of my deep-rooted need to control everything. like the above scribblings say, it's true...i wasn't the same. being my father's daughter, i do not handle change. i can't believe i couldn't figure this out until today...the reason i always feel so uneasy and stressed is because my life has been in a state of chaos for years. move here, move there, pack up my things, unpack my things, take this, toss that, study this, study that, set up a house for 9 months only to tear it apart again and live with new people every year! i feel relieved to know that my overwhelming desire for a home is because i need a feeling of stability. i look around my apartment and none of these things are mine. they were given, they are loaned, they were found, they are somebody else's trashed-turned-treasures, etc. the three most sentimental, most cherished items in my apartment are things that are mine. 100% mine, that kevin and i purchased together: our coffee table, our bed and entertainment center. it's not that i want to buy a house because i genuinely want to invest, it's because i want a home again. i want stability. i want some sense of family. and i want to feel like me again.

Coffee and Conversation

Enjoyed a fabulous blended vanilla chai and an even better conversation with an old friend about babies, our marriages, our husbands and how our lives have taken us where we didn’t expect to go. There really is nothing like the kind of friend that you only see every once in a while, but each moment together seems like you’ve never been apart. She is that kind of friend – open, honest and somebody with whom you can really have a heart to heart session without holding back. The conversation led to where we are now (how our lives have changed) versus where we thought we’d be. She had things that I only dream about and vice-versa. Sometimes it’s nice to hear that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Even more so, it made me think that life never takes you where you plan. For someone like me, it’s frustrating not to know what’s up ahead. I’m doing my best to live in the moment – to really be here in the present – without letting my mind drift towards what I want or don’t have. Instead, I should be soaking up where I am at because I’ll never get back here again. I’m a determined, “go-getter” kind of person. After spending my young life working towards getting to high school, then focusing on graduating high school and getting into college, to spending 5 years focusing on getting my degree and planning a wedding/getting married, it feels weird to not have a goal I have to be working toward. I realize one of my downfalls is being so blinded by what I want that I become oblivious to the blessings I have been given. Often I wish for a glimpse into the future, just a peak at where we’ll be in 1, 3, 5 years. But, not only is that impossible, but it wouldn’t really help much. Even if I saw where we’ll be in 5 years, I still would not have any idea which paths we took to get there. That’s the thing about life….although the unknown makes my heart nervous and my stomach flutter, the unknown also has a beauty all it’s own. It’s an adventure that I can’t control. If I knew everything that was going to happen, I’d waste my life away wishing for moments in the future that may seem grander than where I’m at now. Eventually, I imagine I’d get to a point where I realized I wished my whole life away for something better. My focus is now on the present, what I have to offer today and what blessings are in my possession today because who knows where I’ll be tomorrow.

i adore him.

can i just say, kevin is my entire world. we may have our struggles and our share of squabbles from time to time, but he is everything to me. i don't know how i got so lucky. whatever i need (or pretty much want), kevin wants to give to me. he makes sure all my needs are met, at the expense of his own at times. i know this post probably seems really corny and over the top, but he creates a safe place for me to grow and be exactly who i am. i am so fortunate to be with a partner that supports my every whim and dream, even when they are a mere fleeting idea and i'm on to the next thing moments later. kevin makes me think. he makes me wonder about things in the world and want to learn. it's because of him that i have hope for my future. a realist he may be, but he still has hope that things will turn out for us. sometimes, when i can't see the silver lining, he'll make it more apparent for me. kevin truly is my better half. marrying him was the easiest decision of my life. and staying by his side for the rest of my life will prove to be the best decision. i adore him.

17 days later...

sorry it's been so long since i've blogged. we've been busy. doing what, you ask? i don't really know. but we have. i have SO much to write about:

1. anniversary trip
2. baby bucket list
3. new ideas and future plans
4. my nieces
5. projects i've been working on
6. trips we've booked
7. the bite of portland (we're going this weekend)
8. oaks park trip

i will try to update my blog tonight and over the weekend. considering i have a 3-day weekend, maybe it will happen!? sorry, grandma janet - i know you like to see new posts :) i'll try my best. maybe i'll even talk kevin into writing a post or two?

here's a flashback to the wedding:
*can you believe it's already been a year!?!