A love letter to my daughter.

Dear Claire,

Thoughts of you drew me from the cozy space in my bed next to your papa, listening to him breathe in and out in a soft, comforting rhythm, to the jumbled keystrokes of his laptop. My thoughts of you, my precious angel, were reeling and the urge to get it all down before they got away from me was overwhelming. Life these days have taken a turn and I find myself down a path I don't recognize. You are a stranger to me, yet you grew inside my belly and, deep inside, I know that I know you. I guess I always have. Every moment, I find myself soaking all of you in like a sponge, absorbing all that it is that makes you you. Your innocence and your thirst for life draws me in and I feel energized just being near you. To see things through your eyes, it's as if I am seeing them for the first time. Familiar experiences now become reinvented as I share them with you. I swear when we touch, your warmth surges through my body and inspires me to be the best form of myself. I want to be better for you. To learn to live in the moment. To stop wishing I was at the next milestone. To stop running the race I'm never going to win. To realize that things look different when you take time to really see them. Your eyes see things that I pass by every day and never question, never care about, never appreciate. Now, because of you, I am taking that second look. In the calmness, your contentment tugs at me to jump off the hamster wheel and know that it's okay to just be. So that's what we do, you and I. We sit and we just be. Recently, I've noticed a lightness to my heart, an internal skip-in-my-step so to speak. Your presence has introduced me to the sweetness only know as pure joy. When you smile, I smile. I am truly happy. All because of you.

Love,

your mama

Just a little longer.

Dear Claire,

I just put you down to sleep for yet another night in your bassinet. The thought of little you sleeping in your big crib all alone just makes my heart ache. You're growing so quickly. Too quickly. If only I could freeze time and bottle up all my moments with you, to remember you this way always. Instead of our usual bedtime routine, tonight I let it linger. You had fallen asleep almost as soon as you hit my chest but I just wanted to hold you a little longer and breathe you in. To listen to you in the silence, coming and going with each breath. So, as I savored your weight in the crook of my arm, I kept repeating to myself just a little longer, just a little longer. I don't think my heart was referring to how much longer I was going to rock you, but rather reminding myself that you'll only be this way for a little longer. Pretty soon, you won't want to be rocking with me in your nursery and you won't need me for everything anymore. You'll be tying your own shoes and going to sleepovers and making your own pb&j sandwiches. You'll be fulfilling the dreams that every parent has for their child in record time and I will be so proud. But for now, while you're still little, I'm going to bend the rules and "forget" the bedtime routines so I can hold you just a little bit longer.

You are my heart.

Love,
your mama

My favorite subject.

It's the question I always jump to when I am chatting it up with an elementary kid - what's your favorite subject in school? As a child, I used to always say art or music or, trying to be funny, recess. Even though I have been out of a structured school setting for three and half years now, in many ways, I still feel like I am school. The subjects and hours have drastically changed and the tests are less tangible, but it's school none the less. Motherhood is my new major and the electives change as often as the diapers. I am currently studying Breastfeeding 101, Infant Nutrition, Biology of Breastmilk, Fashion & Functionality: Baby Edition, Childcare Economics & Budgeting (aka how much babies really cost), The Art of Swaddling and have partaken in my fair share of Sleep Studies. Now if you were to ask me - what's your favorite subject in school? I would have the same answer every time. Claire is my favorite subject. I could and I do study her all day long every day. The slope of her nose, the curve of her ears and the way the hair clings to them. The pout of her lips identical to her papa's. The pattern of her cowlicks gracing both the front hairline and crown of her head intertwined with the slight curls in her wispy fine hair. Her cleft chin playing the role as the perfect resting place for her plump little chipmunk cheeks. The curve of her dainty neck and the intoxicating scent of her milky breath. She is, by far, my most favorite subject. This is one test I am determined to ace.

You live and you learn.

We have only been in this parenting role for 9 weeks so there isn't much Kevin and I know for sure. But what we do know is that to be a successful parent, you need to learn to adapt. You can honestly believe in every theory out there and explain your reasoning for doing this or that until you are blue in the face but until you live in the reality of raising an unpredictable wee babe, you have no idea. When it comes to babies, nothing is black and white.

In the beginning, Kevin and I had so many ideas in our head about what we would or wouldn't do as parents. And we didn't come up with these theories and behaviors on our own. No, no, my friend. We put in the time. We did the research...and about 500 parenting magazines, conversations, blogs, videos and books later, the rules were set. Now, looking back, we can see that although the theory may have been perfect, it wasn't perfect for our baby:

NO BED SHARING: We had a rule that Claire would never sleep in our bed. We didn't feel comfortable with the idea that this little body would be floating between us in a huge king size bed. She would always, always sleep in the bassinet beside our bed. Period. Then our baby arrived (and we were exhausted). And one night Claire fell asleep in the crook of my arm after a midnight feed and she slept so much better than she did all alone in her bassinet. Needless to say, she stayed there in our bed for weeks to come. She has since made it back into her bassinet, but it was a long time coming.

NO PACIFIERS: We always said our baby wouldn't be given a pacifier. We didn't want to deal with potential problems they create like changes to her palate that are known to increase the need for braces. Not to mention, if you lose the suckers, it's as if all hell has broken loose. Then our baby arrived. Did she get a binky before we even left the hospital? Yep. Does she love it? Yep. Does it keep her happy and occupied? Yep. Does she look super darn cute with it bobbing in and out of her little mouth? Double yep! Are we still worried about the dental problems? Yep, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Right now, baby gets what baby wants...and baby wants her bink.

NO FORMULA OR BOTTLES BEFORE 6 WEEKS: We left our breastfeeding preparation class all googly-eyed over everything we had just learned. We felt prepared for what was ahead in the realm of nursing and keeping our baby happy and fed. We fell in love with all the good that breastfeeding had to offer and it was our goal to make it to recommended one-year mark. Then our baby arrived. And she lost more than the recommended 10% of her birth weight in the first 3 days. Since my milk took a few extra days to come in due to the c-section, it was suggested I was pressured by the nurses to supplement her diet with formula. At first we fed her with a feeding tube that attached to our finger, but naturally, the bottles came next. Thus, she took a sip of the nectar and it's been an on-again/off-again relationship ever since.

CAR SEAT ALWAYS GOES IN THE MIDDLE: The most safe place for a car seat is in the middle seat, not on the sides closest to the doors. Naturally, we want what is safest for our baby and vowed to only place her car seat in the middle. Then our baby arrived. We quickly realized that neither of our cars allow for middle placement of the seat. If we did place her in the middle, we can't utilize the passenger seat in either car and thus, never ride together as a family. So, Claire now rides snug in her seat behind the driver and we drive extra cautious. And, we're working on getting a safer car.

These are just a few examples of the ways our theories about raising our daughter has been shot to hell. And we're okay with it. This entire experience has taught us so much about ourselves, our daughter and what is really important when it comes to raising her. One of the main things we seemed to overlook (perhaps the biggest thing) was to take into account that our daughter is unique. What may have worked for one baby may not necessarily work for Claire. While theories are good, we have realized that rolling with the punches is better. You live and you learn.

My little Valentine!

Snoozing with mama on Valentine's Day morning

In my Valentine's Day onesie from Grandma K

I love you much

most beautiful darling

more than anyone on the earth.

and i like you

better than everything in the sky.

e.e. cummings

Because motherhood is hard.

I miss those days when my knees didn't ache, my mind wasn't consumed with feeding schedules and my breasts were still mine. The days when I could get more accomplished than just feeding a newborn and wedging in a nap or two. The days when I had clothes that were both clean and actually fit me. The days when getting through a 9 hour day at the office and what I was going to pack for lunch were the biggest hurdles I had to jump through. The days when I knew once 5.30pm rolled around, I was golden, when the evenings and weekends were mine. Some days, just some days, I wish I was the one that got to go to bed early because I had to work the next day. I wish I was the one that didn't have the 12am, 4am and 6am feeding shifts interrupting my sleep. I wish I was the one that got to punch-in and punch-out instead of working a 24/7 job. I wish I was the one that got to take an uninterrupted shower, drive in a cry-less car, have adult conversations not involving formula or pooping schedules, have time to myself to clear my head or better yet shave my legs. Yes, it's true -- I get envious when Kevin pulls out of the driveway because, let's face it, motherhood is hard. Most women don't talk about this part, nonetheless document it, but in my opinion it doesn't make me a bad mama. It makes me an honest mama. We've all been there - the endless nights when the baby just doesn't wanna sleep. The early mornings when the baby wakes up before both God and the sun. The frustrating fussiness that no amount of bouncing, shish-ing, singing, rocking, swaying or white noise can cure. The never-ending game of let's-see-how-long-this-clean-diaper-will-last-before-I-have-to-change-it-again. The crying for seemingly no reason at all. All of these scenarios happen to the best of us. Why not be honest about it?

What I do know is that on the particularly rough days, when all I want to do is runaway - I always make it through somehow.

So, I've said it. It's written down - motherhood is hard. Now I can just accept it and move forward with my beautiful baby girl. She is so worth it.

She's happy, I'm happy!

Ooooooh, so that's why...I thought I was just being lazy!

I ask myself this question often - Why does it seem like I can't get anything done? Then the baby cries and I suddenly remember. I have the most important job to be focusing on - taking care of little Claire. And when I hold her and feed her, play with her and take her for walks, everything is put into perspective. The dishes, the laundry, scrubbing toilets and cleaning out the fridge can wait...because I don't want to miss a moment with my little girl. At 7 weeks already, she's growing up so fast. I wash dishes when she's napping or will get in a quick load of laundry here and there but she's my #1 priority right now and everything else will just have to wait to fit into her schedule. I wouldn't have it any other way.

She's my happy little angel baby!