Making the right choice (?)

As they say, everything good must come to an end eventually. This Thursday marks the end of my maternity leave and my return to work. So many have asked how I feel about this. My initial response is always "fine" and then I search my soul for the right words to paint a picture of exactly how I feel. Truth is, I feel...cheated? fortunate? jealous? lucky? sad? overwhelmed? angry? anxious? I guess I cannot wrap my mind or my heart around how I feel. Honestly, there's a mix of emotions when I think of leaving Claire and returning to work. My logical thinking and emotional thinking don't match. Normally, I act impulsively based on my emotions but with this situation I have been choosing to focus on the logical side. Perhaps it's my way of dealing with it (and it's been working for the most part). Truth is, not going back to work has never been an option. As much as we would both love for Claire to have a stay at home parent, either Kevin or myself, neither of us make enough money to cover all the bills. I was fortunate enough just to be able to afford a 3-month maternity leave instead of just 6 weeks. Of course, it was only possible because we planned ahead, we saved, we sacrificed and now our bank account is feeling the dent. From a logical standpoint, we need the money and I carry all the insurance benefits. *Honestly, I don't know how many families can live off one paycheck these days but that's a whole different can of worms. Claire having a stay-at-home parent would be an option...if we wanted to move back into a tiny apartment and struggle to make ends meet. Truth is, that is not something we are willing to do. We are comfortable where we are living and don't want to uproot Claire. We need our own space and a place for her to call home. If only we could have both.

In a perfect world, I would be able to raise my daughter and be a stay at home mother. In a perfect world, my husband wouldn't feel guilty about me having to return to work. In a perfect world, money wouldn't be such an issue and healthcare would not cost an arm and a leg. But, Lord knows, this world is far from perfect. And, I don't mean to sound like a whiner - trust me, I know how fortunate I am to be able to only return to work part time and to be leaving Claire with grandma instead of at daycare. I know a lot of women that are not as fortunate in that regard and I commend them. Leaving your child with anyone that is not you is very difficult. Sadly, it's a choice so many of us have to make. It comes down to needs versus wants. My heart wants to be with my daughter. I don't want to miss out on any of the firsts in her life. I want to be the one to care for her, to feed her, to kiss her boo-boo's and comfort her when she cries. But my mind knows that we need the money and the insurance. So, I am choosing to cherish my last couple days of time with my daughter. And I am choosing to sweep my emotions under the rug. Then, when Thursday rolls around, I will begrudgingly put my big girl panties on, wipe away the tears and return to work with my head held high knowing I am doing what I need to do for the sake of my family.