what if?

there are reasons for my recent doom and gloom outlook on life. at the beginning of march, i had terrible pains in my abdomen. worse than anything i’d ever felt before. if that was similar to childbirth pain, i was certain in those moments that i wanted nothing to do with bearing a child.  they came and went for days, but i never gave them much thought (besides the pessimist in me thinking my appendix was exploding). one morning i woke up to get ready for work and i could barely stand. i hobbled out of the room to the couch to avoid disturbing my husbands slumber. after my half-bent-over shower ended and i was still in pain, i woke kevin to ask him what to do. at this point, now crying in pain, he said he needed to take me to the emergency. being the paranoid anti-hospital freak that i am, i refused saying it would fade and that i “needed” to go to work. my coworkers were not as easy to work over as my husband (all women, go figure). 15 minutes past 8am and 2 advice-nurse calls later, i was in my car on the way to urgent care. i was thinking “this is it. you really did it this time, katie. avoided the hospital at all costs and now you were going to die in the waiting room of urgent care.” dramatic much? but that’s how i am with hospitals. until this moment, at 25 years old, i’d never once been to a gynecologist. call it stupid and irresponsible and whatever else you’d like. i was just scared. i didn’t feel the need to show my bits and pieces to a complete stranger!! anyway, the appointment ended up requiring not only a comprehensive female “checkup” but also a pregnancy test (negative), an external and an internal ultrasound. talk about catching up for the lost time! the results were an extra-large cyst on my right ovary. although very common, the doc was still concerned about the size and it’s progress. i’m scheduled for a follow-up ultrasound in about an month to make sure it’s either decreased in size or dissolved. oh joy!

through this entire ordeal, i was sure i’d really doomed myself by not going to the doctor regularly. once they ruled out my appendix and pinpointed the problem to my right ovary, i immediately assumed the worst. thankfully, the outcome was relatively non-serious.

everything i went through that week put things into perspective for me. i’ve gone from wanting to only adopt my children to wanting 5 kids to wanting no children to being 100% certain that i want to have atleast one baby with my husband. during those days waiting for my results, it felt like that option was slipping away from me. it tore me up inside. now that our plans are being put on hold due to job/money issues, it seems like we’ll never get to the point of having our own family. there are always “what ifs” in the back of my mind telling me that “now! now! running out of time!” is the way to go. kevin and i talk about our future and what we both want. since we are such planners, we are putting off family in order to hopefully own a house first, become more financially established, and get kevin the type of job he wants/deserves. however, step #1 (get a job) is taking so long that everything else is being pushed back also. what if, by the time we actually achieve everything we want to before having kids, it’s too late? or what if, when we decide to start trying, it takes us years to get pregnant? the most horrible part of life is the unknown. unfortunately, that’s the most exciting part of life as well. all i know is that being told that i can’t have a baby right now makes me want one even more.