i wasn't the same.

i moved away for an education.
i got a new perspective and i got a new voice.
they said i changed too much, i wasn't the same.

i moved away for a boy.
i got a taste of love and i got a better half.
they liked him better than me, i wasn't the same.

i moved away for a job.
i got a new pay scale and i got a 9-to-5.
they had promised me so much more, i wasn't the same.

i moved away for a marriage.
i got a new family and i got a new name.
they said i wasn't any fun, i wasn't the same.

i moved away for a home.
i got a set of loaned keys and i got a box of my things.
they said that's where i should be, i wasn't the same.

i don't feel like i have a home anymore. nothing in my life has been stable for quite a while now. kevin is the only constant that keeps me going. everybody says that our generation feels like they are entitled to everything - the jobs, the homes, the pay, the excess. it's not because we're greedy or feel entitled, it's because we've always been told that if we do everything right (good grades in high school, good SAT scores, good grades in college, graduate college, etc) that those things will happen. there were no maybes, no what-ifs. as simple as action and reaction. so, when that obviously didn't happen, i was completely blind-sided by the fact that what i'd been told my whole life was a lie. i was baffled. and, let's face it, i was angry. i really struggle to deal with change in any capacity because of my deep-rooted need to control everything. like the above scribblings say, it's true...i wasn't the same. being my father's daughter, i do not handle change. i can't believe i couldn't figure this out until today...the reason i always feel so uneasy and stressed is because my life has been in a state of chaos for years. move here, move there, pack up my things, unpack my things, take this, toss that, study this, study that, set up a house for 9 months only to tear it apart again and live with new people every year! i feel relieved to know that my overwhelming desire for a home is because i need a feeling of stability. i look around my apartment and none of these things are mine. they were given, they are loaned, they were found, they are somebody else's trashed-turned-treasures, etc. the three most sentimental, most cherished items in my apartment are things that are mine. 100% mine, that kevin and i purchased together: our coffee table, our bed and entertainment center. it's not that i want to buy a house because i genuinely want to invest, it's because i want a home again. i want stability. i want some sense of family. and i want to feel like me again.