Preparing for separation

Every year in college, when Kevin would leave Corvallis for holiday or summer break, we'd cry and cry and cry. Kiss and hug and breathe in his smell until the very last second before almost missing his flights. Stare at each other through the airport security glass, watching him get smaller and smaller and smaller. I hated watching the one person I wanted next to me leave me behind. One time he left in his car and I just sat on my driveway and cried until there were no tears left. I waited for him to swing back through the neighborhood to give one more hug, one more hug, even just one more wave or glance. He never did because he new if he did, he really would never leave. I knew that time was the worst time. That I would never feel that much heartache again. But it only got worse. 

In five days I will be saying goodbye to Claire for an entire week. It makes me queasy at the mere thought of having to actually say goodbye and physically walk away from her knowing it is not just goodbye for a couple of hours. It's eight good mornings, it's eight goodnights-sleep tights, it's 16 naps that I won't be there to hold her, snuggle her, comfort her, kiss those cheeks. I thought I could handle this, that it wouldn't be as tall of a hurdle for me to clear but I was quite possibly either in denial and/or just fooling myself. Maybe my coworker was right? Maybe we should have done an overnight separation test? Since they placed her in my arms, I have never spent a night away from her. And, to be honest, I really just don't want to. Not one bit. Every time I think about being without her, the tears just come. Now I know why Grandma K always cries when we part ways at the airport and why my dad cried when I left for Italy for 6 weeks. Goodbyes are the worst...

I'm just going to miss her so much. Too much. She is going to grow and learn and change and do funny things of which I will not be there to witness. What was I thinking? I cannot do this. But I'm going to put on my brave mommy face as best I can, even through the tears. My heart aches just thinking about it. How do you leave your entire heart behind?