For me, today was that day. From the moment I opened my eyelids, I knew it was only going to go one way...south. I was angry at the world that I had to go to work. So angry, in fact, that in my rational adult way, I hulk smashed the alarm clock and now it's broken. Great. But the secret is, the anger wasn't really about waking up early, being on a schedule, being expected to be someplace other than where I was. My anger stemmed from the unfortunate fact that life isn't allowing me to focus 100% of my energy on my most important job of raising my daughter because I had to go to my paying job. I felt cheated because it seems everyone around me gets to experience that privilege except me. When do I get to leave my often thank-less, high stress, low paying job? When is it my turn? Wah, wah, wah. Oh, boo-hoo, right?
Before you roll your eyes and think that I have it pretty easy or become one send button away from sharing your "grass isn't always easier" mentality, let me just put this out there: I know this is a total woe is me moment and it's incredibly unbecoming. But, I have learned that on these days, I just need to roll with the punches. I say what I need to say, I think what I need to think, I cry if I need to cry. I work through the emotions and I let myself be angry. Once I finally allowed myself the room to uncork the frustrations I had been bottling and just face the anger and disappointment head-on, the days like this became few and far between. The rational part of me knows I am so blessed, I am so privileged, I should be grateful for what I have, that I am fortunate to only have to work part time, to have free childcare, to have a job at all. But on days like this, Rational Katie is nowhere to be found. The rational part of me knows I need to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. But today, I don't wanna. Today, I am allowing myself to open up pandora's box and, pardon my french, let the shit storm fall. I realize that not every day of my life is going to be all rainbows and glitter. Some days are ugly. They bring out the worst in me, they shield me from the good and I only see the bad. Some days are just downright cup half empty.
Like I said, today was that day.
Before you roll your eyes and think that I have it pretty easy or become one send button away from sharing your "grass isn't always easier" mentality, let me just put this out there: I know this is a total woe is me moment and it's incredibly unbecoming. But, I have learned that on these days, I just need to roll with the punches. I say what I need to say, I think what I need to think, I cry if I need to cry. I work through the emotions and I let myself be angry. Once I finally allowed myself the room to uncork the frustrations I had been bottling and just face the anger and disappointment head-on, the days like this became few and far between. The rational part of me knows I am so blessed, I am so privileged, I should be grateful for what I have, that I am fortunate to only have to work part time, to have free childcare, to have a job at all. But on days like this, Rational Katie is nowhere to be found. The rational part of me knows I need to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. But today, I don't wanna. Today, I am allowing myself to open up pandora's box and, pardon my french, let the shit storm fall. I realize that not every day of my life is going to be all rainbows and glitter. Some days are ugly. They bring out the worst in me, they shield me from the good and I only see the bad. Some days are just downright cup half empty.
Like I said, today was that day.
No comments:
Post a Comment